I always thought depression was something that anyone could get over easily. I thought that it was only caused by a terrible event that took place in one's life like losing a loved one or being diagnosed with a life threatening illness. My own experience with depression soon changed that.
At first I had no idea why I felt the way I did. My body felt hollow as my internal life that kept me alive dissolved in the darkening depression that had overcome me. The thought of why I even mattered crossed my mind on a daily basis. When I faced my depression I couldn’t understand it. I asked myself “I’ve got everything I could possibly want in life, but why am I still not happy?” It was the constant feeling of being alone, and although I had great friends and a beautiful daughter life for me just felt so empty.
Depression took over my life like a never ending battle fought by soldiers with no weapons. It left me feeling nothing but cold inside not just the cold you felt on a winter's day but the type that makes you feel so numb inside you could just roll over and die. Keeping it all bottled up was what hurt the most, not being able to trust in those who were around me.
All it took was a fake smile to hide my injured soul, they never noticed how broken I really was.
As I cradled my 6 month old daughter while she slept I began to weep for my life. I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I felt lonely in a sea full of people and lost inside myself. I couldn’t understand it. Trusting myself wasn’t easy. When left in a room alone I would constantly look around scanning for ways I could make it all stop.
My life was on a downwards spiral. The only thing holding me up was the tender loving care of my courageous daughter. As I gazed into her big beautiful brown eyes I saw everything
I had created. How was her future supposed to blossom when my depression was holding it back? In that moment I realised that I was living in the past, I needed to get my life back on
track. Expecting things to go back to the way they were was obviously not going to happen straight away. It was going to be a long hard process but I was willing to fight as hard as I
could for my daughter's sake. She needed a mentally and physically fit mother to be there for her 100%.
As days turned into weeks I felt myself beginning to get better. No longer was I not able to trust myself. My focus and main goal was my daughter. I strived to become the best I could be for her. Long walks helped clear my head. It was good to feel the wind blow softly through my hair as I walked along white crystal sand, overlooking the blue ocean. It gave me a very different perspective on life. There were much bigger, better and more beautiful things to focus on than the four walls of my room.